About Me

Ready to take on the world.

10.12.13

Once again we have come to the time of year when I can't tell if I'm a g'damn genius, or the worlds biggest moron. I haven't done anything particularly moronic or genius, I just never know which way my minds going to go. Part of the long list of exam side effects, right under overeating, undereating, oversleeping, undersleeping, and perpetual migraines. Y'know, when I signed on for this higher education business a few years ago I didn't think the powers that be (the registrar) would be sadistic. But thank the good lord this semester comes to a close this Friday (December 13th). I'm counting on that to be lucky. Apparently I only have twelve courses left in this degree, that is if I stay at the 'lovely' institution I currently call home. It'll be a miracle if I do. I'm the world's worst decision maker though and I keep going back and forth in my mind between staying here and going back home to UPEI. If I stay I'll get to continue living with my parents, one kilometer from my school, with constant dog love. If I move back east I'll get to live alone in our slightly haunted house, forty-five minutes outside of Charlottetown, in my favourite place in the world. I also won't have to do silly language requirements and I'll be able to access roast chicken chips and bottled raspberry cordial. Extra points for the ocean and family.

12.8.13

Twenty-One Lessons as I reach my Twenty-First year.
 1) Always bring a sweater.
 2) There is no logical reason why your socks ought to match.
  3) If the song is good, listen it it on repeat.
 4) If you watch 9 seasons of a television show in three weeks you’re going to get a little obsessed.
 5) You’re probably judging yourself more than the people around you are.
 6) There is nothing a bath can’t fix (unless you’re a cat).
 7) If you fill your dairy/agenda out in advance you’re still going to forget everything, but at least you have something to do during class.
 8) Things are easier to handle if they’re in lists.
 9) There is no reason to read a book just because it’s a best seller. Especially if it includes things you can’t even say without getting all red faced.
 10) If you don’t read the last chapters of your favourite book, the magic never ends!
 11) When packing a suitcase, take out half of your clothes and trust that you’re going to shop…a lot. 12) If you’re going to dye your hair pink, people are going to stare, and they’re going to be jealous of your candy floss locks.
 13) When going on holiday, change your bedsheets prior to departure. It’s the best thing to come home to.
 14) Candles make studying easier.
 15) Studying makes school easier.
 16) Paying attention also makes school easier.
 17) Yes, tattoos do hurt.
18) Most dance crazes are not worth humiliating yourself over.
 19) Always bring a water bottle.
 20) There is no reason to shave your legs more than once a week, no reason at all.
 21) If you can’t dance, if you can’t dance. If you can’t dance, if you can’t dance, If you can’t dance to this you can’t do nothing for me baby.

1.5.13

Day Eight- part 3

Dear K²,

Thank you. Thank you for listening to me go on and on about the same thing for hours on end, for not judging me when my crazy is showing and for reminding me what confidence looks like.
Our conversations feel effortless and honest and that is something that is so underrated. I'm sure you've noticed that you've been rubbing off on me in all the good ways. I don't feel the need to change when I'm around you. Usually I try to hide parts of myself to make other people more comfortable, I try to blend into their personalities so I can avoid rejection or judgment. But so far you have accepted all of my sides, even the most annoying ones like my inability to make a decision and my need to rehash every detail of certain events. That's pretty freaking awesome.

I look forward to this summer, to our list and to achieving our New Years goal. Things are looking up for both of us and I can feel great things in our futures. If I had my way those things would both wear numbers on their backs and type like idiots, but here's to hoping.

T



R,

What is happening with us? It feels like I'm fighting for control to save our relationship. I have tried again and again to tell you how small you make me feel, but every time I hear your voice I lose my nerve. I refuse to lose you, but I also refuse to be your second choice. While you say you don't do it intentionally, forgetting about me and ignoring me is so far from okay. I cannot be begin to describe how angry it makes me. Sometimes I think it's my feelings for him that are pulling us apart, but I want to give both of us more credit. Maybe you don't see what's happening, or what's wrong with what you're doing, but there's a problem that needs to be fixed. Stop excluding me for your life, your friends, stop only turning to me when you need an excuse. Stop telling people you hang out with me more often than you do and for fuck sakes stop ditching me. You say I'm flakey with plans, but I'm only flakey because I know it doesn't make any difference to you. Because I know if we go out to a bar you're not going to notice if I'm there or not. Well guess what, I'm here, I'm not leaving and I'm no one's second choice. So you're going to invite me on the trips you all plan without me, you're going to include me in your little circle or you will start losing me. I will give up eventually. Right now I still have some fight left in me, but it's fading away. Start fighting with me, start fighting for me! When your boyfriend makes me feel like shit, stand up for me. Because while he may be keeping you warm right now, if it goes downhill I'll be the one picking up the pieces and helping you put yourself back together.

I'm angry, I'm insecure and I'm not going down this path again

T

Day Eleven- One Step at a Time.

Goals for the next year. 

I'm a list maker. It's what I do, it's how I get things in order. So I am no stranger to lists of goals. I have hundreds of them around my room, all from different points in my life. Most of them not completed. I've stopped beating myself up about incomplete goals, because fortunately I seem to have enough life left to spend time figuring things out. So here's a new list, and if I don't do most of the things on this, that's okay. 

1) Stop giving other people so much power over me. 
I am terrible for this, while I openly admit I'm not a fan of people as a whole, I tend to give individuals as well as the collective society a great deal of power in regards to my emotions and how I view myself. I am not alone in this, it is the reason the cosmetics industry is so successful, it is in our nature as humans, more specifically people of the media age, to seek approval and try to resemble the characters who have been placed on pedestals by the media. I can't even begin to explain the nonsense I have put myself through trying to be "good enough." Fortunately, I am slowly coming to terms with the truth, the truth that those images are complete bullshit and no one is as one-sided as they seem. So my hope is that I can continue to remember that we are all complex characters, and as complex characters we are entitled to our faults and idiosyncrasies. I am no exception to this. 

2) Fight anxiety before it becomes stress. 
Anyone who knows me knows that I get overwhelmed quite easily. Lights, sounds, images and people all distract me and make concentrating almost impossible. As a result I usually procrastinate things that I have to get done because concentration takes so much effort on my part. This leads to last minute flurries of work and huge amounts of stress. I also get anxious when I don't know exactly what is happening, so while I do everything last minute, not knowing ahead of time what to expect during events and nights out makes me physically ill. All of this anxiety leads to one thing, tears. I'm not an emotional person in the conventional sense, but if I'm stressed or angry or uncomfortable, my first reaction is to hide and my second is to cry. So if you find me in a corner all red eyed and puffy faced, it's usually not because I'm sad, it's because I'm trying not to strangle someone. 

3) Stop trying to figure everything out. 
As I said above I hate not knowing what is going on. This means I spend hours making maps and plans for my life. Researching every detail, trying to prepare myself for every outcome, trying to know as much as I can about what I'm getting into. Every time I change career paths I become obsessed with knowing what I need to do and how to get there. This would probably seem like a good thing to others, but for me it has become a way to avoid anything in my present life that may not be the way I want it. For example, right now I am desperate to move out. It's nothing against my parents, they're lovely, but after living on my own last year I desperately miss the independence, however little it may have been. I crave silence and my own space, but financially (and logically) it makes more sense for me to live at home until I'm done this degree. Then comes the future. My new plan is to move to Vancouver, get a job at a publishing house and live in an apartment alone. I know where I want to live, how much it costs and what I need to do to make it possible. But I have done nothing to make it happen (saving money for example). Instead of just saving money to see what happens I fantasize and ignore the things I could do immediately to make life better. Drives me insane. 

4) Stop giving power to the things that have ruined me. 
Maybe it's the Demi Lovato I'm listening to (no judgement guys), but in the spirit of openness I can admit that I have spent the last 10 years fighting some not uncommon demons. The kind that convince a person that he/she is ridden with faults and unworthy of having certain basic needs fulfilled. It's messy and complicated and ruins everything that once seemed good. It sucks the life out of everything and everyone. I've been fortunate enough to have supportive people in my life who help the battle but I know I am the one who has to make things happen. I also know that others have had it way worse. But while I am thankful that I have been spared the full extent of what can happen, I have still given 10 years of my life to something that only makes life harder than it should be. In the last few years I've taken the time to better understand the complexities and although I am on a path to recovery, my relapses are still far too damaging. Summer is a scary time for me because history has shown me that summer is when things go down hill, but I need to take advantage of my resources and friends. I have a hell of a lot of life to live and handing it over to illness is no longer an option. 

5) Accept it. 
I am not good in social settings, I am not good at talking when I'm nervous, I am not good at giving myself enough credit. These are all things I need to accept before I can change. But I also need to accept the praise and compliments I receive from others. I need to accept that in some way things will work themselves out and while what I do may affect this outcome, there are some things I cannot control. I need to accept that I probably won't ever be a cool, calm and collected person, and the more pressure I put on myself to be someone I'm not, the further I am for being comfortable. I need to accept that I'm not always in control of how other people see me. More importantly I need to understand that if I don't do the things that scare me I won't get anywhere. I have to accept that I'm going to get hurt, but that resilience is a wonderful thing, and no one has died from a broken heart. 

This feels like an appropriate time to say fuck the haters, but that's not really my style so instead I'll say; May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favour. 

xx
T

3.11.12

Day Ten- Are you surprised yet?

Things that would surprise people about me.


This is a hard one, I think it would really depend on the person and what their idea of me is. But here is a list of a few things that have shocked people.

1) I listen to rap. I don't really like the women hating stuff, but I make some exceptions. Mac Miller, Machine Gun Kelly, Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, Young Money, yup, all on my Ipod.

2) Until people get to talking to me they assume that I'm just an Oilers fan and only like hockey because I'm Canadian, yeah that's not true. I'm a born and bred Philly fan and I get the game, hockey is really the only thing about North America that I like.

3) I am very picky, and as a result I've never actually been in a relationship. Most people are surprised by this, I guess I come off as 'experienced"? Yeah, not at all, I just understand people.

4) I'm surprisingly religious. Reppin' the Virgin Mary I take my Catholicism very seriously (even though I refer to myself as a Cat-O-Holic most of the time) I may not go to mass as often as I used to, but I still rock the rosary. Most people are surprised by this because I'm a huge feminist and they think that religion and feminism doesn't mesh. I call bullshit.

5) I collect things. Mostly lunch boxes and action figures, and hockey memorabilia (blame Dad for this). And I don't just collect, I keep it in its original boxes and out of direct sunlight...

6) I'm a fashion junkie. I usually look like I rolled out of the lost and found, but I actually love fashion and make up. I don't wear make up often because a) I'm lazy and b) I have really sensitive skin. But mostly a.

7) The only thing straight about me is my teeth, and even they aren't perfect. I'm not saying I'm totally batting for another team, but I don't believe in sex based limitations. A person's 2 sex chromosomes aren't going to decide for me if they're datable or not.

Are you surprised?
I highly doubt it, I'm pretty open.

Affection
-T

2.11.12

Day Nine- Winning me over

I'm going to come back to the letters posts. I'm having trouble with them right now.

So I'm going to go for something a little easier to manage
Ten ways to win my heart.

10) Pay attention to my existence. It's kind of important.
9) Accept that fact that I am partial to a good boyband, but don't ever bring it up.
8) Be a member of one of those diabeticly sweet boybands.
7) Talk hockey to me. I can handle it, I promise
6) Don't be freaked out when I freak out. It happens, embrace it.
5) Remember that I don't like roses. They're great as a flower, but not as a flower I want around me.
4) I'm going to make stupid jokes, it is going to happen. So just laugh at them and humor me. (Get it, humor my humor!)
3) Important rule, love me, love my dogs.
2) Take me places, I don't like staying in one place for too long.
1) Bring me tea and hot cider all day and everyday. There is over a foot of snow out there and I'm cold on a normal day.

*All of these are subject to change at any time.

As you can see I am a highly complex person...

With Great Affection
-T

31.10.12

Day Eight- Part 2

Part two

D,
I so desperately miss what we had. I wonder If I will ever have someone like you in my life again. Not who you are now, but who you were. Sometimes I consider contacting you, just to see, but I don't know if I could handle the fall out again. When things were good, they were good, but when they were bad, they were so bad. You hurt me worse than I could have imagined. Things haven't been the same since. Should I leave the past in the past? Or try again even though I know you're not the girl I loved so much?

I'm here, but you don't need me.

T