About Me

Ready to take on the world.

16.10.12

Day Six-Fear

Three things that scare me

There are so many things a person can be afraid of, from common place phobias such as spiders to fear of being alone or dying.

I don't have many phobias. Sure there are things I don't like, like birds and heights, but the fear that comes from those is nothing compared to what I'm really afraid of. I'm afraid of the big things.

1) I'm afraid of not getting where I want to go. I don't often mention it to people, although I have been lately, but I want to go into broadcasting. I want to be on TV and part of pop culture. I want to write, and interview guests and entertain people. It's not the most selfless or life changing of careers, but I can't imagine myself doing anything else. I also don't want to stay in Canada. A big part of this dream life is being in the motherland, living in London and seeing the world. 


2) I'm afraid of being alone. Not in the conventional sense, in fact I am quite content tucked away in my room typing away with Lionel the Fish by my side or listening to records. I'm afraid of being alone in the bigger sense. I don't have much relationship experience and as a result of that I've never been good at talking about it. I'm not comfortable with the topic for the most part, and it's damn near impossible for me to admit that I'm afraid I will remain single. Notice that I said damn near, because I just admitted it. I worry that my inexperience and high standards will continue to get in the way of that aspect of socialization. But that being said I refuse to lower my standards... 

3) I'm not afraid of dying. I mean not as much as some people. I don't particularly want to die, but my faith often reassures me that there is more, and because of that I'm not afraid to die. I am afraid to not live, and I am afraid of people around me dying. I remember being young and worrying about people I love leaving me. Any time I can't get ahold of my parents or friends I panic, I am so truly terrified of living without the people I love that even thinking about it makes me anxious. I'm also afraid of not living. This ties in to my first fear. I've spent many years afraid of life itself and now I don't really know how to embrace it, I'm scared I won't be able to do the things that are so neatly written on my many to-do lists. But I would throw all those lists away and be content if it meant I would never have to be without contact with my parents.

Fear has such a huge impact on everyone's lives. It is inevitable, much like some of the thing we fear. I try to remind myself that it is the fears we overcome that help to build who we are. But let's be honest, that isn't very reassuring when you come face to face with a bird hanging off the edge of a cliff. 



With great affection
-Theodora

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