Things I want to say to five different people.
Sometimes I like to have conversations in my mind, ones where I tell people exactly what I'm thinking. It's really for the safety of everyone that I keep the conversations to myself and don't act on wild impulses. But here is a golden opportunity. I'm going to do this in a series of five letters.
On July 11, 2006 there was a series of several bombs set off in a Mumbai train station, on July 11, 2006 I started falling in love with you, the only thing those two have in common is that people got hurt. On October 29th 2012, I'm still not sure how I feel. That is over 2,300 days, and I can almost guarantee that I've thought of you every single one of those days. I'd be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that hates you for everything I've been though, but I know it's not your fault, and I try to remember it's not mine. Sometimes I regret you, I regret being with you and I regret caring as much as I do, because let's be honest with each other, I put in way more effort that you ever will. But for now I'm okay with that. Because for now, there are too many things separating us. Things like land, and families, my own confusion and your relationship. So it's okay. I'm going to continue trying to erase what we did from the ages of 13-17. Those years will be best left untouched. I promise no matter what you're still going to be one of the most important people in my life, I guess I don't really have a choice in that matter anymore.
2,303 days and I'm in love with you
I didn't get to know you well enough, and for that I am angry. I'm angry at you for leaving me. I wish I could say there was something I could have done, but there wasn't, I was a child. But what kills me more is that you didn't just leave me, you left all of us. Sure you were there for selected people but only in a minimal way. I was eight that last time I saw you. My memory isn't clear but I think it was at the Calgary airport. I have one email from you, 151 of your last words to me. I remember the day I knew you weren't coming back, I was 10 and found the Christmas gifts I'd bought you hidden in a closet. I was under the impression you'd gotten them, but how could you, we didn't know where you were. I feel like I got ripped off. I hear all these stories, I see all these videos and pictures of you and I didn't get to know you, and that's not fair! Your selfishness deprived me of an important part of my life. Maybe it's wrong to call you selfish because I don't understand, but I can't think of a better way to put it. When you died, I found out 6 months later, because of that you didn't just deprive me of a part of my childhood, but you took away any possibility of closure. I didn't get to mourn losing you, none of us did because you were so far gone. I know so many things about you that I wish I didn't. Hopefully I can learn some good soon. Hopefully your family can teach me more.