Thank you. Thank you for listening to me go on and on about the same thing for hours on end, for not judging me when my crazy is showing and for reminding me what confidence looks like.
Our conversations feel effortless and honest and that is something that is so underrated. I'm sure you've noticed that you've been rubbing off on me in all the good ways. I don't feel the need to change when I'm around you. Usually I try to hide parts of myself to make other people more comfortable, I try to blend into their personalities so I can avoid rejection or judgment. But so far you have accepted all of my sides, even the most annoying ones like my inability to make a decision and my need to rehash every detail of certain events. That's pretty freaking awesome.
I look forward to this summer, to our list and to achieving our New Years goal. Things are looking up for both of us and I can feel great things in our futures. If I had my way those things would both wear numbers on their backs and type like idiots, but here's to hoping.
What is happening with us? It feels like I'm fighting for control to save our relationship. I have tried again and again to tell you how small you make me feel, but every time I hear your voice I lose my nerve. I refuse to lose you, but I also refuse to be your second choice. While you say you don't do it intentionally, forgetting about me and ignoring me is so far from okay. I cannot be begin to describe how angry it makes me. Sometimes I think it's my feelings for him that are pulling us apart, but I want to give both of us more credit. Maybe you don't see what's happening, or what's wrong with what you're doing, but there's a problem that needs to be fixed. Stop excluding me for your life, your friends, stop only turning to me when you need an excuse. Stop telling people you hang out with me more often than you do and for fuck sakes stop ditching me. You say I'm flakey with plans, but I'm only flakey because I know it doesn't make any difference to you. Because I know if we go out to a bar you're not going to notice if I'm there or not. Well guess what, I'm here, I'm not leaving and I'm no one's second choice. So you're going to invite me on the trips you all plan without me, you're going to include me in your little circle or you will start losing me. I will give up eventually. Right now I still have some fight left in me, but it's fading away. Start fighting with me, start fighting for me! When your boyfriend makes me feel like shit, stand up for me. Because while he may be keeping you warm right now, if it goes downhill I'll be the one picking up the pieces and helping you put yourself back together.
I'm angry, I'm insecure and I'm not going down this path again