Things I want to say to five different people.
Sometimes I like to have conversations in my mind, ones where I tell people exactly what I'm thinking. It's really for the safety of everyone that I keep the conversations to myself and don't act on wild impulses. But here is a golden opportunity. I'm going to do this in a series of five letters.
E,
On July 11, 2006 there was a series of several bombs set off in a Mumbai train station, on July 11, 2006 I started falling in love with you, the only thing those two have in common is that people got hurt. On October 29th 2012, I'm still not sure how I feel. That is over 2,300 days, and I can almost guarantee that I've thought of you every single one of those days. I'd be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that hates you for everything I've been though, but I know it's not your fault, and I try to remember it's not mine. Sometimes I regret you, I regret being with you and I regret caring as much as I do, because let's be honest with each other, I put in way more effort that you ever will. But for now I'm okay with that. Because for now, there are too many things separating us. Things like land, and families, my own confusion and your relationship. So it's okay. I'm going to continue trying to erase what we did from the ages of 13-17. Those years will be best left untouched. I promise no matter what you're still going to be one of the most important people in my life, I guess I don't really have a choice in that matter anymore.
2,303 days and I'm in love with you
xx
T
G,
I didn't get to know you well enough, and for that I am angry. I'm angry at you for leaving me. I wish I could say there was something I could have done, but there wasn't, I was a child. But what kills me more is that you didn't just leave me, you left all of us. Sure you were there for selected people but only in a minimal way. I was eight that last time I saw you. My memory isn't clear but I think it was at the Calgary airport. I have one email from you, 151 of your last words to me. I remember the day I knew you weren't coming back, I was 10 and found the Christmas gifts I'd bought you hidden in a closet. I was under the impression you'd gotten them, but how could you, we didn't know where you were. I feel like I got ripped off. I hear all these stories, I see all these videos and pictures of you and I didn't get to know you, and that's not fair! Your selfishness deprived me of an important part of my life. Maybe it's wrong to call you selfish because I don't understand, but I can't think of a better way to put it. When you died, I found out 6 months later, because of that you didn't just deprive me of a part of my childhood, but you took away any possibility of closure. I didn't get to mourn losing you, none of us did because you were so far gone. I know so many things about you that I wish I didn't. Hopefully I can learn some good soon. Hopefully your family can teach me more.
T
26.10.12
Day Seven- The Cheer Up
Something that never fails to make you feel better.
I have a number of these in my arsenal. I don't think I can say for certain that they never fail but they have a higher than average success rate.
One of the most successful would be my dear AbbyDog. We've had Abby since I was seven, on October 5th she turned 13. So for the last 13 years Abby has been my best friend. She sleeps with me most nights, she has supervised many crying sessions and all night movie festivals, we have gone on a number of lengthy River Valley adventures, but best of all, she listens to me better than anyone else. I mean that in two ways, the first being that I can tell her anything and the second being that if I call her to "come" she is more likely to than when someone else does. And she let's me dress her up in costumes... yup, coolest dog ever.
For those of you who don't know, I have a tattoo on me right foot, it's a wave. Although there are a ton of other meanings to it, the main one is my love for the water. My whole life water has been the ultimate cure, in both a dorky religious way and a completely serious healing power relaxing way. So 9/10 you'll find me in the shower or bathtub if I'm not having a good day. I could say some philosophical bit about the symbolism of rebirth, but really I just like swimming and water and it reminds me of the ocean, and the ocean is home to me.
a quick list of other magic mood fixers:
-Reading
-Candles
-Taylor Swift Dance Parties
-Movies
-Knitting Nights
-and of course good old fashioned Champagne.
With Great Affection
Theodora
I have a number of these in my arsenal. I don't think I can say for certain that they never fail but they have a higher than average success rate.
One of the most successful would be my dear AbbyDog. We've had Abby since I was seven, on October 5th she turned 13. So for the last 13 years Abby has been my best friend. She sleeps with me most nights, she has supervised many crying sessions and all night movie festivals, we have gone on a number of lengthy River Valley adventures, but best of all, she listens to me better than anyone else. I mean that in two ways, the first being that I can tell her anything and the second being that if I call her to "come" she is more likely to than when someone else does. And she let's me dress her up in costumes... yup, coolest dog ever.
For those of you who don't know, I have a tattoo on me right foot, it's a wave. Although there are a ton of other meanings to it, the main one is my love for the water. My whole life water has been the ultimate cure, in both a dorky religious way and a completely serious healing power relaxing way. So 9/10 you'll find me in the shower or bathtub if I'm not having a good day. I could say some philosophical bit about the symbolism of rebirth, but really I just like swimming and water and it reminds me of the ocean, and the ocean is home to me.
a quick list of other magic mood fixers:
-Reading
-Candles
-Taylor Swift Dance Parties
-Movies
-Knitting Nights
-and of course good old fashioned Champagne.
With Great Affection
Theodora
16.10.12
Day Six-Fear
Three things that scare me
There are so many things a person can be afraid of, from common place phobias such as spiders to fear of being alone or dying.
I don't have many phobias. Sure there are things I don't like, like birds and heights, but the fear that comes from those is nothing compared to what I'm really afraid of. I'm afraid of the big things.
1) I'm afraid of not getting where I want to go. I don't often mention it to people, although I have been lately, but I want to go into broadcasting. I want to be on TV and part of pop culture. I want to write, and interview guests and entertain people. It's not the most selfless or life changing of careers, but I can't imagine myself doing anything else. I also don't want to stay in Canada. A big part of this dream life is being in the motherland, living in London and seeing the world.
2) I'm afraid of being alone. Not in the conventional sense, in fact I am quite content tucked away in my room typing away with Lionel the Fish by my side or listening to records. I'm afraid of being alone in the bigger sense. I don't have much relationship experience and as a result of that I've never been good at talking about it. I'm not comfortable with the topic for the most part, and it's damn near impossible for me to admit that I'm afraid I will remain single. Notice that I said damn near, because I just admitted it. I worry that my inexperience and high standards will continue to get in the way of that aspect of socialization. But that being said I refuse to lower my standards...
3) I'm not afraid of dying. I mean not as much as some people. I don't particularly want to die, but my faith often reassures me that there is more, and because of that I'm not afraid to die. I am afraid to not live, and I am afraid of people around me dying. I remember being young and worrying about people I love leaving me. Any time I can't get ahold of my parents or friends I panic, I am so truly terrified of living without the people I love that even thinking about it makes me anxious. I'm also afraid of not living. This ties in to my first fear. I've spent many years afraid of life itself and now I don't really know how to embrace it, I'm scared I won't be able to do the things that are so neatly written on my many to-do lists. But I would throw all those lists away and be content if it meant I would never have to be without contact with my parents.
Fear has such a huge impact on everyone's lives. It is inevitable, much like some of the thing we fear. I try to remind myself that it is the fears we overcome that help to build who we are. But let's be honest, that isn't very reassuring when you come face to face with a bird hanging off the edge of a cliff.
With great affection
-Theodora
There are so many things a person can be afraid of, from common place phobias such as spiders to fear of being alone or dying.
I don't have many phobias. Sure there are things I don't like, like birds and heights, but the fear that comes from those is nothing compared to what I'm really afraid of. I'm afraid of the big things.
1) I'm afraid of not getting where I want to go. I don't often mention it to people, although I have been lately, but I want to go into broadcasting. I want to be on TV and part of pop culture. I want to write, and interview guests and entertain people. It's not the most selfless or life changing of careers, but I can't imagine myself doing anything else. I also don't want to stay in Canada. A big part of this dream life is being in the motherland, living in London and seeing the world.
2) I'm afraid of being alone. Not in the conventional sense, in fact I am quite content tucked away in my room typing away with Lionel the Fish by my side or listening to records. I'm afraid of being alone in the bigger sense. I don't have much relationship experience and as a result of that I've never been good at talking about it. I'm not comfortable with the topic for the most part, and it's damn near impossible for me to admit that I'm afraid I will remain single. Notice that I said damn near, because I just admitted it. I worry that my inexperience and high standards will continue to get in the way of that aspect of socialization. But that being said I refuse to lower my standards...
3) I'm not afraid of dying. I mean not as much as some people. I don't particularly want to die, but my faith often reassures me that there is more, and because of that I'm not afraid to die. I am afraid to not live, and I am afraid of people around me dying. I remember being young and worrying about people I love leaving me. Any time I can't get ahold of my parents or friends I panic, I am so truly terrified of living without the people I love that even thinking about it makes me anxious. I'm also afraid of not living. This ties in to my first fear. I've spent many years afraid of life itself and now I don't really know how to embrace it, I'm scared I won't be able to do the things that are so neatly written on my many to-do lists. But I would throw all those lists away and be content if it meant I would never have to be without contact with my parents.
Fear has such a huge impact on everyone's lives. It is inevitable, much like some of the thing we fear. I try to remind myself that it is the fears we overcome that help to build who we are. But let's be honest, that isn't very reassuring when you come face to face with a bird hanging off the edge of a cliff.
With great affection
-Theodora
11.10.12
Day Five- Top Three
I'm skipping the original day five. Right now I'm not really sure to answer the question, but I promise I'll come back to it when I'm ready.
Three Things I am Proud Of About My Personality...
Luckily this one isn't as hard for me as others. Although there are 103 things about myself that I can't stand, there are a few things about my personality I don't mind.
1) I'm genuine- It is very rare that I will try to act like someone I am not. That being said my personality does change depending on situations but no matter what it is always me. I'm not very good at faking things, which can get me into trouble, most of the time I don't need to though. I'm not a shallow person but I don't hide things often. I try to be as honest as I can while still being kind and appropriate. I will answer almost any question that comes my way with an honest and open heart. I guess it's a good thing I don't plan on going into politics.
2) I'm creative- I know everyone says they're unique, it's true we are all our own snowflakes. (I can't believe I just used that analogy.) I suppose part of my unique "pattern" is that I think in a very creative way. I like to look at things differently when I can, I like to create. I am a writer (although you might not be able to tell by this blog), I'm a painter, a general artist and art lover. I love music of all generes and languages. I don't like to put myself in a box, I'm open to almost anything and anyone. And even though I often struggle, I do try to find beauty in everything.
3) I care- I know I often seem jaded and angry at the world, but deep down I care about so much. In the past few years I've had to take a step back from volunteering and politically soapboxes to work on my own issues, but I still care. I care about people and their well being, I care about animals, but more than anything I care about the people in my life and I would do ANYTHING to help my family or friends. I love people so easily that it often causes me some heartache, but I can't seem to change it. I try to make everyone around me feel welcomed and loved, I'm not always successful but it's always on my mind. I promise to try to be there for anyone who needs me.
So that's a little exclusive insight into my personality and how I see it.
With great affection
-Theodora
Three Things I am Proud Of About My Personality...
Luckily this one isn't as hard for me as others. Although there are 103 things about myself that I can't stand, there are a few things about my personality I don't mind.
1) I'm genuine- It is very rare that I will try to act like someone I am not. That being said my personality does change depending on situations but no matter what it is always me. I'm not very good at faking things, which can get me into trouble, most of the time I don't need to though. I'm not a shallow person but I don't hide things often. I try to be as honest as I can while still being kind and appropriate. I will answer almost any question that comes my way with an honest and open heart. I guess it's a good thing I don't plan on going into politics.
2) I'm creative- I know everyone says they're unique, it's true we are all our own snowflakes. (I can't believe I just used that analogy.) I suppose part of my unique "pattern" is that I think in a very creative way. I like to look at things differently when I can, I like to create. I am a writer (although you might not be able to tell by this blog), I'm a painter, a general artist and art lover. I love music of all generes and languages. I don't like to put myself in a box, I'm open to almost anything and anyone. And even though I often struggle, I do try to find beauty in everything.
3) I care- I know I often seem jaded and angry at the world, but deep down I care about so much. In the past few years I've had to take a step back from volunteering and politically soapboxes to work on my own issues, but I still care. I care about people and their well being, I care about animals, but more than anything I care about the people in my life and I would do ANYTHING to help my family or friends. I love people so easily that it often causes me some heartache, but I can't seem to change it. I try to make everyone around me feel welcomed and loved, I'm not always successful but it's always on my mind. I promise to try to be there for anyone who needs me.
So that's a little exclusive insight into my personality and how I see it.
With great affection
-Theodora
2.10.12
Day Four- On My Mind
Things I worry about...
Well there's always something on my mind. I tend to worry about everything to be honest. I always have. Lately I've been worrying just as much as usual.
-I'm worrying about school, and how I can motivate myself to get my work done to the best of my abilities.
-I'm worried about my new role as president of the Hockey Fan Club. I know I can do this but I worry that other people aren't quite as convinced. With that comes the worry of being around people I am a little intimidated by. I really shouldn't be intimidated by a bunch of goofy, sweaty boys, but logic has never stopped me from worrying.
-I'm worried about myself. I've been falling back into some old habits. Habits that don't do anyone any good. I've worked so hard to try and pull myself out, but as I said to my best friend today there is an allegorical black cloud that never seems to be too far away.
Those are just a few of many.
xx
Theodora
Well there's always something on my mind. I tend to worry about everything to be honest. I always have. Lately I've been worrying just as much as usual.
-I'm worrying about school, and how I can motivate myself to get my work done to the best of my abilities.
-I'm worried about my new role as president of the Hockey Fan Club. I know I can do this but I worry that other people aren't quite as convinced. With that comes the worry of being around people I am a little intimidated by. I really shouldn't be intimidated by a bunch of goofy, sweaty boys, but logic has never stopped me from worrying.
-I'm worried about myself. I've been falling back into some old habits. Habits that don't do anyone any good. I've worked so hard to try and pull myself out, but as I said to my best friend today there is an allegorical black cloud that never seems to be too far away.
Those are just a few of many.
xx
Theodora
1.10.12
Day Three- Irritating
5 things that irritate me about the opposite and same sex.
Let's start with same-sex pet hates:
-It really gets under my skin how much girls judge each other. None of us our innocent in this, we have all seen someone who isn't dressed to our tastes and thought "What the hell is she wearing?"
-It seems that females will go to great lengths to get attention from males. Changing their voices, changing their clothes, it just doesn't seem right, but again we've all done it.
-Petty bullying. Female bullying is in a whole league of its own, and it never seems to end.
-When women don't feel the need to stand up for their rights and for equality. Some of us work very hard to raise awareness about these issues and females who allow men to treat them like objects are not helping!
-You are not better than me because you have a boyfriend. Just like I am not better than you because I am single
Males:
-Some of the expectations seem very high. You want a girl who is fit, you want a girl who is smart, you want a girl who is one of the guys, but still has time to make you dinner? I don't think it works like that.
-Why are males so loud when they get together? You don't need to scream.
-Chauvinism and misogyny. No, just no.
-Just because you have a penis does NOT mean you are more knowledgable about sports than I am. It also does not mean you can undermine my opinions and comments.
-Ignoring me won't make me go away. Perhaps I am the only one who experiences this, who knows. But it seems like there is a certain time limit when talking to males and after that they stop listening. That isn't cool. Please don't make me repeat myself 10 times, if I am saying something it is because I want to talk to you or you should be aware of it.
Let's start with same-sex pet hates:
-It really gets under my skin how much girls judge each other. None of us our innocent in this, we have all seen someone who isn't dressed to our tastes and thought "What the hell is she wearing?"
-It seems that females will go to great lengths to get attention from males. Changing their voices, changing their clothes, it just doesn't seem right, but again we've all done it.
-Petty bullying. Female bullying is in a whole league of its own, and it never seems to end.
-When women don't feel the need to stand up for their rights and for equality. Some of us work very hard to raise awareness about these issues and females who allow men to treat them like objects are not helping!
-You are not better than me because you have a boyfriend. Just like I am not better than you because I am single
Males:
-Some of the expectations seem very high. You want a girl who is fit, you want a girl who is smart, you want a girl who is one of the guys, but still has time to make you dinner? I don't think it works like that.
-Why are males so loud when they get together? You don't need to scream.
-Chauvinism and misogyny. No, just no.
-Just because you have a penis does NOT mean you are more knowledgable about sports than I am. It also does not mean you can undermine my opinions and comments.
-Ignoring me won't make me go away. Perhaps I am the only one who experiences this, who knows. But it seems like there is a certain time limit when talking to males and after that they stop listening. That isn't cool. Please don't make me repeat myself 10 times, if I am saying something it is because I want to talk to you or you should be aware of it.
26.9.12
Day two- I'll tell you what I want...
What I really really want....
What attracts me to a person?
I have no idea.
-I like kind hearts and trustworthy faces
-Easy going personalities and humor based conversations
-Athletes and artists, but more so athletes
-I like intelligent conversations but immature shenanigans
-It's a bonus if he/she loves his/her mother and Jesus
-Bonus bonus for british boys.
All in all I'm easy to please.
xx
-T
What attracts me to a person?
I have no idea.
-I like kind hearts and trustworthy faces
-Easy going personalities and humor based conversations
-Athletes and artists, but more so athletes
-I like intelligent conversations but immature shenanigans
-It's a bonus if he/she loves his/her mother and Jesus
-Bonus bonus for british boys.
All in all I'm easy to please.
xx
-T
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