10.12.13
Once again we have come to the time of year when I can't tell if I'm a g'damn genius, or the worlds biggest moron. I haven't done anything particularly moronic or genius, I just never know which way my minds going to go. Part of the long list of exam side effects, right under overeating, undereating, oversleeping, undersleeping, and perpetual migraines. Y'know, when I signed on for this higher education business a few years ago I didn't think the powers that be (the registrar) would be sadistic. But thank the good lord this semester comes to a close this Friday (December 13th). I'm counting on that to be lucky. Apparently I only have twelve courses left in this degree, that is if I stay at the 'lovely' institution I currently call home. It'll be a miracle if I do. I'm the world's worst decision maker though and I keep going back and forth in my mind between staying here and going back home to UPEI. If I stay I'll get to continue living with my parents, one kilometer from my school, with constant dog love. If I move back east I'll get to live alone in our slightly haunted house, forty-five minutes outside of Charlottetown, in my favourite place in the world. I also won't have to do silly language requirements and I'll be able to access roast chicken chips and bottled raspberry cordial. Extra points for the ocean and family.
12.8.13
Twenty-One Lessons as I reach my Twenty-First year.
1) Always bring a sweater.
2) There is no logical reason why your socks ought to match.
3) If the song is good, listen it it on repeat.
4) If you watch 9 seasons of a television show in three weeks you’re going to get a little obsessed.
5) You’re probably judging yourself more than the people around you are.
6) There is nothing a bath can’t fix (unless you’re a cat).
7) If you fill your dairy/agenda out in advance you’re still going to forget everything, but at least you have something to do during class.
8) Things are easier to handle if they’re in lists.
9) There is no reason to read a book just because it’s a best seller. Especially if it includes things you can’t even say without getting all red faced.
10) If you don’t read the last chapters of your favourite book, the magic never ends!
11) When packing a suitcase, take out half of your clothes and trust that you’re going to shop…a lot. 12) If you’re going to dye your hair pink, people are going to stare, and they’re going to be jealous of your candy floss locks.
13) When going on holiday, change your bedsheets prior to departure. It’s the best thing to come home to.
14) Candles make studying easier.
15) Studying makes school easier.
16) Paying attention also makes school easier.
17) Yes, tattoos do hurt.
18) Most dance crazes are not worth humiliating yourself over.
19) Always bring a water bottle.
20) There is no reason to shave your legs more than once a week, no reason at all.
21) If you can’t dance, if you can’t dance. If you can’t dance, if you can’t dance, If you can’t dance to this you can’t do nothing for me baby.
1) Always bring a sweater.
2) There is no logical reason why your socks ought to match.
3) If the song is good, listen it it on repeat.
4) If you watch 9 seasons of a television show in three weeks you’re going to get a little obsessed.
5) You’re probably judging yourself more than the people around you are.
6) There is nothing a bath can’t fix (unless you’re a cat).
7) If you fill your dairy/agenda out in advance you’re still going to forget everything, but at least you have something to do during class.
8) Things are easier to handle if they’re in lists.
9) There is no reason to read a book just because it’s a best seller. Especially if it includes things you can’t even say without getting all red faced.
10) If you don’t read the last chapters of your favourite book, the magic never ends!
11) When packing a suitcase, take out half of your clothes and trust that you’re going to shop…a lot. 12) If you’re going to dye your hair pink, people are going to stare, and they’re going to be jealous of your candy floss locks.
13) When going on holiday, change your bedsheets prior to departure. It’s the best thing to come home to.
14) Candles make studying easier.
15) Studying makes school easier.
16) Paying attention also makes school easier.
17) Yes, tattoos do hurt.
18) Most dance crazes are not worth humiliating yourself over.
19) Always bring a water bottle.
20) There is no reason to shave your legs more than once a week, no reason at all.
21) If you can’t dance, if you can’t dance. If you can’t dance, if you can’t dance, If you can’t dance to this you can’t do nothing for me baby.
1.5.13
Day Eight- part 3
Dear K²,
Thank you. Thank you for listening to me go on and on about the same thing for hours on end, for not judging me when my crazy is showing and for reminding me what confidence looks like.
Our conversations feel effortless and honest and that is something that is so underrated. I'm sure you've noticed that you've been rubbing off on me in all the good ways. I don't feel the need to change when I'm around you. Usually I try to hide parts of myself to make other people more comfortable, I try to blend into their personalities so I can avoid rejection or judgment. But so far you have accepted all of my sides, even the most annoying ones like my inability to make a decision and my need to rehash every detail of certain events. That's pretty freaking awesome.
I look forward to this summer, to our list and to achieving our New Years goal. Things are looking up for both of us and I can feel great things in our futures. If I had my way those things would both wear numbers on their backs and type like idiots, but here's to hoping.
T
R,
What is happening with us? It feels like I'm fighting for control to save our relationship. I have tried again and again to tell you how small you make me feel, but every time I hear your voice I lose my nerve. I refuse to lose you, but I also refuse to be your second choice. While you say you don't do it intentionally, forgetting about me and ignoring me is so far from okay. I cannot be begin to describe how angry it makes me. Sometimes I think it's my feelings for him that are pulling us apart, but I want to give both of us more credit. Maybe you don't see what's happening, or what's wrong with what you're doing, but there's a problem that needs to be fixed. Stop excluding me for your life, your friends, stop only turning to me when you need an excuse. Stop telling people you hang out with me more often than you do and for fuck sakes stop ditching me. You say I'm flakey with plans, but I'm only flakey because I know it doesn't make any difference to you. Because I know if we go out to a bar you're not going to notice if I'm there or not. Well guess what, I'm here, I'm not leaving and I'm no one's second choice. So you're going to invite me on the trips you all plan without me, you're going to include me in your little circle or you will start losing me. I will give up eventually. Right now I still have some fight left in me, but it's fading away. Start fighting with me, start fighting for me! When your boyfriend makes me feel like shit, stand up for me. Because while he may be keeping you warm right now, if it goes downhill I'll be the one picking up the pieces and helping you put yourself back together.
I'm angry, I'm insecure and I'm not going down this path again
T
Thank you. Thank you for listening to me go on and on about the same thing for hours on end, for not judging me when my crazy is showing and for reminding me what confidence looks like.
Our conversations feel effortless and honest and that is something that is so underrated. I'm sure you've noticed that you've been rubbing off on me in all the good ways. I don't feel the need to change when I'm around you. Usually I try to hide parts of myself to make other people more comfortable, I try to blend into their personalities so I can avoid rejection or judgment. But so far you have accepted all of my sides, even the most annoying ones like my inability to make a decision and my need to rehash every detail of certain events. That's pretty freaking awesome.
I look forward to this summer, to our list and to achieving our New Years goal. Things are looking up for both of us and I can feel great things in our futures. If I had my way those things would both wear numbers on their backs and type like idiots, but here's to hoping.
T
R,
What is happening with us? It feels like I'm fighting for control to save our relationship. I have tried again and again to tell you how small you make me feel, but every time I hear your voice I lose my nerve. I refuse to lose you, but I also refuse to be your second choice. While you say you don't do it intentionally, forgetting about me and ignoring me is so far from okay. I cannot be begin to describe how angry it makes me. Sometimes I think it's my feelings for him that are pulling us apart, but I want to give both of us more credit. Maybe you don't see what's happening, or what's wrong with what you're doing, but there's a problem that needs to be fixed. Stop excluding me for your life, your friends, stop only turning to me when you need an excuse. Stop telling people you hang out with me more often than you do and for fuck sakes stop ditching me. You say I'm flakey with plans, but I'm only flakey because I know it doesn't make any difference to you. Because I know if we go out to a bar you're not going to notice if I'm there or not. Well guess what, I'm here, I'm not leaving and I'm no one's second choice. So you're going to invite me on the trips you all plan without me, you're going to include me in your little circle or you will start losing me. I will give up eventually. Right now I still have some fight left in me, but it's fading away. Start fighting with me, start fighting for me! When your boyfriend makes me feel like shit, stand up for me. Because while he may be keeping you warm right now, if it goes downhill I'll be the one picking up the pieces and helping you put yourself back together.
I'm angry, I'm insecure and I'm not going down this path again
T
Day Eleven- One Step at a Time.
Goals for the next year.
I'm a list maker. It's what I do, it's how I get things in order. So I am no stranger to lists of goals. I have hundreds of them around my room, all from different points in my life. Most of them not completed. I've stopped beating myself up about incomplete goals, because fortunately I seem to have enough life left to spend time figuring things out. So here's a new list, and if I don't do most of the things on this, that's okay.
1) Stop giving other people so much power over me.
I am terrible for this, while I openly admit I'm not a fan of people as a whole, I tend to give individuals as well as the collective society a great deal of power in regards to my emotions and how I view myself. I am not alone in this, it is the reason the cosmetics industry is so successful, it is in our nature as humans, more specifically people of the media age, to seek approval and try to resemble the characters who have been placed on pedestals by the media. I can't even begin to explain the nonsense I have put myself through trying to be "good enough." Fortunately, I am slowly coming to terms with the truth, the truth that those images are complete bullshit and no one is as one-sided as they seem. So my hope is that I can continue to remember that we are all complex characters, and as complex characters we are entitled to our faults and idiosyncrasies. I am no exception to this.
2) Fight anxiety before it becomes stress.
Anyone who knows me knows that I get overwhelmed quite easily. Lights, sounds, images and people all distract me and make concentrating almost impossible. As a result I usually procrastinate things that I have to get done because concentration takes so much effort on my part. This leads to last minute flurries of work and huge amounts of stress. I also get anxious when I don't know exactly what is happening, so while I do everything last minute, not knowing ahead of time what to expect during events and nights out makes me physically ill. All of this anxiety leads to one thing, tears. I'm not an emotional person in the conventional sense, but if I'm stressed or angry or uncomfortable, my first reaction is to hide and my second is to cry. So if you find me in a corner all red eyed and puffy faced, it's usually not because I'm sad, it's because I'm trying not to strangle someone.
3) Stop trying to figure everything out.
As I said above I hate not knowing what is going on. This means I spend hours making maps and plans for my life. Researching every detail, trying to prepare myself for every outcome, trying to know as much as I can about what I'm getting into. Every time I change career paths I become obsessed with knowing what I need to do and how to get there. This would probably seem like a good thing to others, but for me it has become a way to avoid anything in my present life that may not be the way I want it. For example, right now I am desperate to move out. It's nothing against my parents, they're lovely, but after living on my own last year I desperately miss the independence, however little it may have been. I crave silence and my own space, but financially (and logically) it makes more sense for me to live at home until I'm done this degree. Then comes the future. My new plan is to move to Vancouver, get a job at a publishing house and live in an apartment alone. I know where I want to live, how much it costs and what I need to do to make it possible. But I have done nothing to make it happen (saving money for example). Instead of just saving money to see what happens I fantasize and ignore the things I could do immediately to make life better. Drives me insane.
4) Stop giving power to the things that have ruined me.
Maybe it's the Demi Lovato I'm listening to (no judgement guys), but in the spirit of openness I can admit that I have spent the last 10 years fighting some not uncommon demons. The kind that convince a person that he/she is ridden with faults and unworthy of having certain basic needs fulfilled. It's messy and complicated and ruins everything that once seemed good. It sucks the life out of everything and everyone. I've been fortunate enough to have supportive people in my life who help the battle but I know I am the one who has to make things happen. I also know that others have had it way worse. But while I am thankful that I have been spared the full extent of what can happen, I have still given 10 years of my life to something that only makes life harder than it should be. In the last few years I've taken the time to better understand the complexities and although I am on a path to recovery, my relapses are still far too damaging. Summer is a scary time for me because history has shown me that summer is when things go down hill, but I need to take advantage of my resources and friends. I have a hell of a lot of life to live and handing it over to illness is no longer an option.
5) Accept it.
I am not good in social settings, I am not good at talking when I'm nervous, I am not good at giving myself enough credit. These are all things I need to accept before I can change. But I also need to accept the praise and compliments I receive from others. I need to accept that in some way things will work themselves out and while what I do may affect this outcome, there are some things I cannot control. I need to accept that I probably won't ever be a cool, calm and collected person, and the more pressure I put on myself to be someone I'm not, the further I am for being comfortable. I need to accept that I'm not always in control of how other people see me. More importantly I need to understand that if I don't do the things that scare me I won't get anywhere. I have to accept that I'm going to get hurt, but that resilience is a wonderful thing, and no one has died from a broken heart.
This feels like an appropriate time to say fuck the haters, but that's not really my style so instead I'll say; May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favour.
xx
T
I'm a list maker. It's what I do, it's how I get things in order. So I am no stranger to lists of goals. I have hundreds of them around my room, all from different points in my life. Most of them not completed. I've stopped beating myself up about incomplete goals, because fortunately I seem to have enough life left to spend time figuring things out. So here's a new list, and if I don't do most of the things on this, that's okay.
1) Stop giving other people so much power over me.
I am terrible for this, while I openly admit I'm not a fan of people as a whole, I tend to give individuals as well as the collective society a great deal of power in regards to my emotions and how I view myself. I am not alone in this, it is the reason the cosmetics industry is so successful, it is in our nature as humans, more specifically people of the media age, to seek approval and try to resemble the characters who have been placed on pedestals by the media. I can't even begin to explain the nonsense I have put myself through trying to be "good enough." Fortunately, I am slowly coming to terms with the truth, the truth that those images are complete bullshit and no one is as one-sided as they seem. So my hope is that I can continue to remember that we are all complex characters, and as complex characters we are entitled to our faults and idiosyncrasies. I am no exception to this.
2) Fight anxiety before it becomes stress.
Anyone who knows me knows that I get overwhelmed quite easily. Lights, sounds, images and people all distract me and make concentrating almost impossible. As a result I usually procrastinate things that I have to get done because concentration takes so much effort on my part. This leads to last minute flurries of work and huge amounts of stress. I also get anxious when I don't know exactly what is happening, so while I do everything last minute, not knowing ahead of time what to expect during events and nights out makes me physically ill. All of this anxiety leads to one thing, tears. I'm not an emotional person in the conventional sense, but if I'm stressed or angry or uncomfortable, my first reaction is to hide and my second is to cry. So if you find me in a corner all red eyed and puffy faced, it's usually not because I'm sad, it's because I'm trying not to strangle someone.
3) Stop trying to figure everything out.
As I said above I hate not knowing what is going on. This means I spend hours making maps and plans for my life. Researching every detail, trying to prepare myself for every outcome, trying to know as much as I can about what I'm getting into. Every time I change career paths I become obsessed with knowing what I need to do and how to get there. This would probably seem like a good thing to others, but for me it has become a way to avoid anything in my present life that may not be the way I want it. For example, right now I am desperate to move out. It's nothing against my parents, they're lovely, but after living on my own last year I desperately miss the independence, however little it may have been. I crave silence and my own space, but financially (and logically) it makes more sense for me to live at home until I'm done this degree. Then comes the future. My new plan is to move to Vancouver, get a job at a publishing house and live in an apartment alone. I know where I want to live, how much it costs and what I need to do to make it possible. But I have done nothing to make it happen (saving money for example). Instead of just saving money to see what happens I fantasize and ignore the things I could do immediately to make life better. Drives me insane.
4) Stop giving power to the things that have ruined me.
Maybe it's the Demi Lovato I'm listening to (no judgement guys), but in the spirit of openness I can admit that I have spent the last 10 years fighting some not uncommon demons. The kind that convince a person that he/she is ridden with faults and unworthy of having certain basic needs fulfilled. It's messy and complicated and ruins everything that once seemed good. It sucks the life out of everything and everyone. I've been fortunate enough to have supportive people in my life who help the battle but I know I am the one who has to make things happen. I also know that others have had it way worse. But while I am thankful that I have been spared the full extent of what can happen, I have still given 10 years of my life to something that only makes life harder than it should be. In the last few years I've taken the time to better understand the complexities and although I am on a path to recovery, my relapses are still far too damaging. Summer is a scary time for me because history has shown me that summer is when things go down hill, but I need to take advantage of my resources and friends. I have a hell of a lot of life to live and handing it over to illness is no longer an option.
5) Accept it.
I am not good in social settings, I am not good at talking when I'm nervous, I am not good at giving myself enough credit. These are all things I need to accept before I can change. But I also need to accept the praise and compliments I receive from others. I need to accept that in some way things will work themselves out and while what I do may affect this outcome, there are some things I cannot control. I need to accept that I probably won't ever be a cool, calm and collected person, and the more pressure I put on myself to be someone I'm not, the further I am for being comfortable. I need to accept that I'm not always in control of how other people see me. More importantly I need to understand that if I don't do the things that scare me I won't get anywhere. I have to accept that I'm going to get hurt, but that resilience is a wonderful thing, and no one has died from a broken heart.
This feels like an appropriate time to say fuck the haters, but that's not really my style so instead I'll say; May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favour.
xx
T
3.11.12
Day Ten- Are you surprised yet?
Things that would surprise people about me.
This is a hard one, I think it would really depend on the person and what their idea of me is. But here is a list of a few things that have shocked people.
1) I listen to rap. I don't really like the women hating stuff, but I make some exceptions. Mac Miller, Machine Gun Kelly, Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, Young Money, yup, all on my Ipod.
2) Until people get to talking to me they assume that I'm just an Oilers fan and only like hockey because I'm Canadian, yeah that's not true. I'm a born and bred Philly fan and I get the game, hockey is really the only thing about North America that I like.
3) I am very picky, and as a result I've never actually been in a relationship. Most people are surprised by this, I guess I come off as 'experienced"? Yeah, not at all, I just understand people.
4) I'm surprisingly religious. Reppin' the Virgin Mary I take my Catholicism very seriously (even though I refer to myself as a Cat-O-Holic most of the time) I may not go to mass as often as I used to, but I still rock the rosary. Most people are surprised by this because I'm a huge feminist and they think that religion and feminism doesn't mesh. I call bullshit.
5) I collect things. Mostly lunch boxes and action figures, and hockey memorabilia (blame Dad for this). And I don't just collect, I keep it in its original boxes and out of direct sunlight...
6) I'm a fashion junkie. I usually look like I rolled out of the lost and found, but I actually love fashion and make up. I don't wear make up often because a) I'm lazy and b) I have really sensitive skin. But mostly a.
7) The only thing straight about me is my teeth, and even they aren't perfect. I'm not saying I'm totally batting for another team, but I don't believe in sex based limitations. A person's 2 sex chromosomes aren't going to decide for me if they're datable or not.
Are you surprised?
I highly doubt it, I'm pretty open.
Affection
-T
This is a hard one, I think it would really depend on the person and what their idea of me is. But here is a list of a few things that have shocked people.
1) I listen to rap. I don't really like the women hating stuff, but I make some exceptions. Mac Miller, Machine Gun Kelly, Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, Young Money, yup, all on my Ipod.
2) Until people get to talking to me they assume that I'm just an Oilers fan and only like hockey because I'm Canadian, yeah that's not true. I'm a born and bred Philly fan and I get the game, hockey is really the only thing about North America that I like.
3) I am very picky, and as a result I've never actually been in a relationship. Most people are surprised by this, I guess I come off as 'experienced"? Yeah, not at all, I just understand people.
4) I'm surprisingly religious. Reppin' the Virgin Mary I take my Catholicism very seriously (even though I refer to myself as a Cat-O-Holic most of the time) I may not go to mass as often as I used to, but I still rock the rosary. Most people are surprised by this because I'm a huge feminist and they think that religion and feminism doesn't mesh. I call bullshit.
5) I collect things. Mostly lunch boxes and action figures, and hockey memorabilia (blame Dad for this). And I don't just collect, I keep it in its original boxes and out of direct sunlight...
6) I'm a fashion junkie. I usually look like I rolled out of the lost and found, but I actually love fashion and make up. I don't wear make up often because a) I'm lazy and b) I have really sensitive skin. But mostly a.
7) The only thing straight about me is my teeth, and even they aren't perfect. I'm not saying I'm totally batting for another team, but I don't believe in sex based limitations. A person's 2 sex chromosomes aren't going to decide for me if they're datable or not.
Are you surprised?
I highly doubt it, I'm pretty open.
Affection
-T
2.11.12
Day Nine- Winning me over
I'm going to come back to the letters posts. I'm having trouble with them right now.
So I'm going to go for something a little easier to manage
Ten ways to win my heart.
10) Pay attention to my existence. It's kind of important.
9) Accept that fact that I am partial to a good boyband, but don't ever bring it up.
8) Be a member of one of those diabeticly sweet boybands.
7) Talk hockey to me. I can handle it, I promise
6) Don't be freaked out when I freak out. It happens, embrace it.
5) Remember that I don't like roses. They're great as a flower, but not as a flower I want around me.
4) I'm going to make stupid jokes, it is going to happen. So just laugh at them and humor me. (Get it, humor my humor!)
3) Important rule, love me, love my dogs.
2) Take me places, I don't like staying in one place for too long.
1) Bring me tea and hot cider all day and everyday. There is over a foot of snow out there and I'm cold on a normal day.
*All of these are subject to change at any time.
As you can see I am a highly complex person...
With Great Affection
-T
So I'm going to go for something a little easier to manage
Ten ways to win my heart.
10) Pay attention to my existence. It's kind of important.
9) Accept that fact that I am partial to a good boyband, but don't ever bring it up.
8) Be a member of one of those diabeticly sweet boybands.
7) Talk hockey to me. I can handle it, I promise
6) Don't be freaked out when I freak out. It happens, embrace it.
5) Remember that I don't like roses. They're great as a flower, but not as a flower I want around me.
4) I'm going to make stupid jokes, it is going to happen. So just laugh at them and humor me. (Get it, humor my humor!)
3) Important rule, love me, love my dogs.
2) Take me places, I don't like staying in one place for too long.
1) Bring me tea and hot cider all day and everyday. There is over a foot of snow out there and I'm cold on a normal day.
*All of these are subject to change at any time.
As you can see I am a highly complex person...
With Great Affection
-T
31.10.12
Day Eight- Part 2
Part two
D,
I so desperately miss what we had. I wonder If I will ever have someone like you in my life again. Not who you are now, but who you were. Sometimes I consider contacting you, just to see, but I don't know if I could handle the fall out again. When things were good, they were good, but when they were bad, they were so bad. You hurt me worse than I could have imagined. Things haven't been the same since. Should I leave the past in the past? Or try again even though I know you're not the girl I loved so much?
I'm here, but you don't need me.
T
D,
I so desperately miss what we had. I wonder If I will ever have someone like you in my life again. Not who you are now, but who you were. Sometimes I consider contacting you, just to see, but I don't know if I could handle the fall out again. When things were good, they were good, but when they were bad, they were so bad. You hurt me worse than I could have imagined. Things haven't been the same since. Should I leave the past in the past? Or try again even though I know you're not the girl I loved so much?
I'm here, but you don't need me.
T
Day Eight- Things I want to say
Things I want to say to five different people.
Sometimes I like to have conversations in my mind, ones where I tell people exactly what I'm thinking. It's really for the safety of everyone that I keep the conversations to myself and don't act on wild impulses. But here is a golden opportunity. I'm going to do this in a series of five letters.
E,
On July 11, 2006 there was a series of several bombs set off in a Mumbai train station, on July 11, 2006 I started falling in love with you, the only thing those two have in common is that people got hurt. On October 29th 2012, I'm still not sure how I feel. That is over 2,300 days, and I can almost guarantee that I've thought of you every single one of those days. I'd be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that hates you for everything I've been though, but I know it's not your fault, and I try to remember it's not mine. Sometimes I regret you, I regret being with you and I regret caring as much as I do, because let's be honest with each other, I put in way more effort that you ever will. But for now I'm okay with that. Because for now, there are too many things separating us. Things like land, and families, my own confusion and your relationship. So it's okay. I'm going to continue trying to erase what we did from the ages of 13-17. Those years will be best left untouched. I promise no matter what you're still going to be one of the most important people in my life, I guess I don't really have a choice in that matter anymore.
2,303 days and I'm in love with you
xx
T
G,
I didn't get to know you well enough, and for that I am angry. I'm angry at you for leaving me. I wish I could say there was something I could have done, but there wasn't, I was a child. But what kills me more is that you didn't just leave me, you left all of us. Sure you were there for selected people but only in a minimal way. I was eight that last time I saw you. My memory isn't clear but I think it was at the Calgary airport. I have one email from you, 151 of your last words to me. I remember the day I knew you weren't coming back, I was 10 and found the Christmas gifts I'd bought you hidden in a closet. I was under the impression you'd gotten them, but how could you, we didn't know where you were. I feel like I got ripped off. I hear all these stories, I see all these videos and pictures of you and I didn't get to know you, and that's not fair! Your selfishness deprived me of an important part of my life. Maybe it's wrong to call you selfish because I don't understand, but I can't think of a better way to put it. When you died, I found out 6 months later, because of that you didn't just deprive me of a part of my childhood, but you took away any possibility of closure. I didn't get to mourn losing you, none of us did because you were so far gone. I know so many things about you that I wish I didn't. Hopefully I can learn some good soon. Hopefully your family can teach me more.
T
Sometimes I like to have conversations in my mind, ones where I tell people exactly what I'm thinking. It's really for the safety of everyone that I keep the conversations to myself and don't act on wild impulses. But here is a golden opportunity. I'm going to do this in a series of five letters.
E,
On July 11, 2006 there was a series of several bombs set off in a Mumbai train station, on July 11, 2006 I started falling in love with you, the only thing those two have in common is that people got hurt. On October 29th 2012, I'm still not sure how I feel. That is over 2,300 days, and I can almost guarantee that I've thought of you every single one of those days. I'd be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that hates you for everything I've been though, but I know it's not your fault, and I try to remember it's not mine. Sometimes I regret you, I regret being with you and I regret caring as much as I do, because let's be honest with each other, I put in way more effort that you ever will. But for now I'm okay with that. Because for now, there are too many things separating us. Things like land, and families, my own confusion and your relationship. So it's okay. I'm going to continue trying to erase what we did from the ages of 13-17. Those years will be best left untouched. I promise no matter what you're still going to be one of the most important people in my life, I guess I don't really have a choice in that matter anymore.
2,303 days and I'm in love with you
xx
T
G,
I didn't get to know you well enough, and for that I am angry. I'm angry at you for leaving me. I wish I could say there was something I could have done, but there wasn't, I was a child. But what kills me more is that you didn't just leave me, you left all of us. Sure you were there for selected people but only in a minimal way. I was eight that last time I saw you. My memory isn't clear but I think it was at the Calgary airport. I have one email from you, 151 of your last words to me. I remember the day I knew you weren't coming back, I was 10 and found the Christmas gifts I'd bought you hidden in a closet. I was under the impression you'd gotten them, but how could you, we didn't know where you were. I feel like I got ripped off. I hear all these stories, I see all these videos and pictures of you and I didn't get to know you, and that's not fair! Your selfishness deprived me of an important part of my life. Maybe it's wrong to call you selfish because I don't understand, but I can't think of a better way to put it. When you died, I found out 6 months later, because of that you didn't just deprive me of a part of my childhood, but you took away any possibility of closure. I didn't get to mourn losing you, none of us did because you were so far gone. I know so many things about you that I wish I didn't. Hopefully I can learn some good soon. Hopefully your family can teach me more.
T
26.10.12
Day Seven- The Cheer Up
Something that never fails to make you feel better.
I have a number of these in my arsenal. I don't think I can say for certain that they never fail but they have a higher than average success rate.
One of the most successful would be my dear AbbyDog. We've had Abby since I was seven, on October 5th she turned 13. So for the last 13 years Abby has been my best friend. She sleeps with me most nights, she has supervised many crying sessions and all night movie festivals, we have gone on a number of lengthy River Valley adventures, but best of all, she listens to me better than anyone else. I mean that in two ways, the first being that I can tell her anything and the second being that if I call her to "come" she is more likely to than when someone else does. And she let's me dress her up in costumes... yup, coolest dog ever.
For those of you who don't know, I have a tattoo on me right foot, it's a wave. Although there are a ton of other meanings to it, the main one is my love for the water. My whole life water has been the ultimate cure, in both a dorky religious way and a completely serious healing power relaxing way. So 9/10 you'll find me in the shower or bathtub if I'm not having a good day. I could say some philosophical bit about the symbolism of rebirth, but really I just like swimming and water and it reminds me of the ocean, and the ocean is home to me.
a quick list of other magic mood fixers:
-Reading
-Candles
-Taylor Swift Dance Parties
-Movies
-Knitting Nights
-and of course good old fashioned Champagne.
With Great Affection
Theodora
I have a number of these in my arsenal. I don't think I can say for certain that they never fail but they have a higher than average success rate.
One of the most successful would be my dear AbbyDog. We've had Abby since I was seven, on October 5th she turned 13. So for the last 13 years Abby has been my best friend. She sleeps with me most nights, she has supervised many crying sessions and all night movie festivals, we have gone on a number of lengthy River Valley adventures, but best of all, she listens to me better than anyone else. I mean that in two ways, the first being that I can tell her anything and the second being that if I call her to "come" she is more likely to than when someone else does. And she let's me dress her up in costumes... yup, coolest dog ever.
For those of you who don't know, I have a tattoo on me right foot, it's a wave. Although there are a ton of other meanings to it, the main one is my love for the water. My whole life water has been the ultimate cure, in both a dorky religious way and a completely serious healing power relaxing way. So 9/10 you'll find me in the shower or bathtub if I'm not having a good day. I could say some philosophical bit about the symbolism of rebirth, but really I just like swimming and water and it reminds me of the ocean, and the ocean is home to me.
a quick list of other magic mood fixers:
-Reading
-Candles
-Taylor Swift Dance Parties
-Movies
-Knitting Nights
-and of course good old fashioned Champagne.
With Great Affection
Theodora
16.10.12
Day Six-Fear
Three things that scare me
There are so many things a person can be afraid of, from common place phobias such as spiders to fear of being alone or dying.
I don't have many phobias. Sure there are things I don't like, like birds and heights, but the fear that comes from those is nothing compared to what I'm really afraid of. I'm afraid of the big things.
1) I'm afraid of not getting where I want to go. I don't often mention it to people, although I have been lately, but I want to go into broadcasting. I want to be on TV and part of pop culture. I want to write, and interview guests and entertain people. It's not the most selfless or life changing of careers, but I can't imagine myself doing anything else. I also don't want to stay in Canada. A big part of this dream life is being in the motherland, living in London and seeing the world.
2) I'm afraid of being alone. Not in the conventional sense, in fact I am quite content tucked away in my room typing away with Lionel the Fish by my side or listening to records. I'm afraid of being alone in the bigger sense. I don't have much relationship experience and as a result of that I've never been good at talking about it. I'm not comfortable with the topic for the most part, and it's damn near impossible for me to admit that I'm afraid I will remain single. Notice that I said damn near, because I just admitted it. I worry that my inexperience and high standards will continue to get in the way of that aspect of socialization. But that being said I refuse to lower my standards...
3) I'm not afraid of dying. I mean not as much as some people. I don't particularly want to die, but my faith often reassures me that there is more, and because of that I'm not afraid to die. I am afraid to not live, and I am afraid of people around me dying. I remember being young and worrying about people I love leaving me. Any time I can't get ahold of my parents or friends I panic, I am so truly terrified of living without the people I love that even thinking about it makes me anxious. I'm also afraid of not living. This ties in to my first fear. I've spent many years afraid of life itself and now I don't really know how to embrace it, I'm scared I won't be able to do the things that are so neatly written on my many to-do lists. But I would throw all those lists away and be content if it meant I would never have to be without contact with my parents.
Fear has such a huge impact on everyone's lives. It is inevitable, much like some of the thing we fear. I try to remind myself that it is the fears we overcome that help to build who we are. But let's be honest, that isn't very reassuring when you come face to face with a bird hanging off the edge of a cliff.
With great affection
-Theodora
There are so many things a person can be afraid of, from common place phobias such as spiders to fear of being alone or dying.
I don't have many phobias. Sure there are things I don't like, like birds and heights, but the fear that comes from those is nothing compared to what I'm really afraid of. I'm afraid of the big things.
1) I'm afraid of not getting where I want to go. I don't often mention it to people, although I have been lately, but I want to go into broadcasting. I want to be on TV and part of pop culture. I want to write, and interview guests and entertain people. It's not the most selfless or life changing of careers, but I can't imagine myself doing anything else. I also don't want to stay in Canada. A big part of this dream life is being in the motherland, living in London and seeing the world.
2) I'm afraid of being alone. Not in the conventional sense, in fact I am quite content tucked away in my room typing away with Lionel the Fish by my side or listening to records. I'm afraid of being alone in the bigger sense. I don't have much relationship experience and as a result of that I've never been good at talking about it. I'm not comfortable with the topic for the most part, and it's damn near impossible for me to admit that I'm afraid I will remain single. Notice that I said damn near, because I just admitted it. I worry that my inexperience and high standards will continue to get in the way of that aspect of socialization. But that being said I refuse to lower my standards...
3) I'm not afraid of dying. I mean not as much as some people. I don't particularly want to die, but my faith often reassures me that there is more, and because of that I'm not afraid to die. I am afraid to not live, and I am afraid of people around me dying. I remember being young and worrying about people I love leaving me. Any time I can't get ahold of my parents or friends I panic, I am so truly terrified of living without the people I love that even thinking about it makes me anxious. I'm also afraid of not living. This ties in to my first fear. I've spent many years afraid of life itself and now I don't really know how to embrace it, I'm scared I won't be able to do the things that are so neatly written on my many to-do lists. But I would throw all those lists away and be content if it meant I would never have to be without contact with my parents.
Fear has such a huge impact on everyone's lives. It is inevitable, much like some of the thing we fear. I try to remind myself that it is the fears we overcome that help to build who we are. But let's be honest, that isn't very reassuring when you come face to face with a bird hanging off the edge of a cliff.
With great affection
-Theodora
11.10.12
Day Five- Top Three
I'm skipping the original day five. Right now I'm not really sure to answer the question, but I promise I'll come back to it when I'm ready.
Three Things I am Proud Of About My Personality...
Luckily this one isn't as hard for me as others. Although there are 103 things about myself that I can't stand, there are a few things about my personality I don't mind.
1) I'm genuine- It is very rare that I will try to act like someone I am not. That being said my personality does change depending on situations but no matter what it is always me. I'm not very good at faking things, which can get me into trouble, most of the time I don't need to though. I'm not a shallow person but I don't hide things often. I try to be as honest as I can while still being kind and appropriate. I will answer almost any question that comes my way with an honest and open heart. I guess it's a good thing I don't plan on going into politics.
2) I'm creative- I know everyone says they're unique, it's true we are all our own snowflakes. (I can't believe I just used that analogy.) I suppose part of my unique "pattern" is that I think in a very creative way. I like to look at things differently when I can, I like to create. I am a writer (although you might not be able to tell by this blog), I'm a painter, a general artist and art lover. I love music of all generes and languages. I don't like to put myself in a box, I'm open to almost anything and anyone. And even though I often struggle, I do try to find beauty in everything.
3) I care- I know I often seem jaded and angry at the world, but deep down I care about so much. In the past few years I've had to take a step back from volunteering and politically soapboxes to work on my own issues, but I still care. I care about people and their well being, I care about animals, but more than anything I care about the people in my life and I would do ANYTHING to help my family or friends. I love people so easily that it often causes me some heartache, but I can't seem to change it. I try to make everyone around me feel welcomed and loved, I'm not always successful but it's always on my mind. I promise to try to be there for anyone who needs me.
So that's a little exclusive insight into my personality and how I see it.
With great affection
-Theodora
Three Things I am Proud Of About My Personality...
Luckily this one isn't as hard for me as others. Although there are 103 things about myself that I can't stand, there are a few things about my personality I don't mind.
1) I'm genuine- It is very rare that I will try to act like someone I am not. That being said my personality does change depending on situations but no matter what it is always me. I'm not very good at faking things, which can get me into trouble, most of the time I don't need to though. I'm not a shallow person but I don't hide things often. I try to be as honest as I can while still being kind and appropriate. I will answer almost any question that comes my way with an honest and open heart. I guess it's a good thing I don't plan on going into politics.
2) I'm creative- I know everyone says they're unique, it's true we are all our own snowflakes. (I can't believe I just used that analogy.) I suppose part of my unique "pattern" is that I think in a very creative way. I like to look at things differently when I can, I like to create. I am a writer (although you might not be able to tell by this blog), I'm a painter, a general artist and art lover. I love music of all generes and languages. I don't like to put myself in a box, I'm open to almost anything and anyone. And even though I often struggle, I do try to find beauty in everything.
3) I care- I know I often seem jaded and angry at the world, but deep down I care about so much. In the past few years I've had to take a step back from volunteering and politically soapboxes to work on my own issues, but I still care. I care about people and their well being, I care about animals, but more than anything I care about the people in my life and I would do ANYTHING to help my family or friends. I love people so easily that it often causes me some heartache, but I can't seem to change it. I try to make everyone around me feel welcomed and loved, I'm not always successful but it's always on my mind. I promise to try to be there for anyone who needs me.
So that's a little exclusive insight into my personality and how I see it.
With great affection
-Theodora
2.10.12
Day Four- On My Mind
Things I worry about...
Well there's always something on my mind. I tend to worry about everything to be honest. I always have. Lately I've been worrying just as much as usual.
-I'm worrying about school, and how I can motivate myself to get my work done to the best of my abilities.
-I'm worried about my new role as president of the Hockey Fan Club. I know I can do this but I worry that other people aren't quite as convinced. With that comes the worry of being around people I am a little intimidated by. I really shouldn't be intimidated by a bunch of goofy, sweaty boys, but logic has never stopped me from worrying.
-I'm worried about myself. I've been falling back into some old habits. Habits that don't do anyone any good. I've worked so hard to try and pull myself out, but as I said to my best friend today there is an allegorical black cloud that never seems to be too far away.
Those are just a few of many.
xx
Theodora
Well there's always something on my mind. I tend to worry about everything to be honest. I always have. Lately I've been worrying just as much as usual.
-I'm worrying about school, and how I can motivate myself to get my work done to the best of my abilities.
-I'm worried about my new role as president of the Hockey Fan Club. I know I can do this but I worry that other people aren't quite as convinced. With that comes the worry of being around people I am a little intimidated by. I really shouldn't be intimidated by a bunch of goofy, sweaty boys, but logic has never stopped me from worrying.
-I'm worried about myself. I've been falling back into some old habits. Habits that don't do anyone any good. I've worked so hard to try and pull myself out, but as I said to my best friend today there is an allegorical black cloud that never seems to be too far away.
Those are just a few of many.
xx
Theodora
1.10.12
Day Three- Irritating
5 things that irritate me about the opposite and same sex.
Let's start with same-sex pet hates:
-It really gets under my skin how much girls judge each other. None of us our innocent in this, we have all seen someone who isn't dressed to our tastes and thought "What the hell is she wearing?"
-It seems that females will go to great lengths to get attention from males. Changing their voices, changing their clothes, it just doesn't seem right, but again we've all done it.
-Petty bullying. Female bullying is in a whole league of its own, and it never seems to end.
-When women don't feel the need to stand up for their rights and for equality. Some of us work very hard to raise awareness about these issues and females who allow men to treat them like objects are not helping!
-You are not better than me because you have a boyfriend. Just like I am not better than you because I am single
Males:
-Some of the expectations seem very high. You want a girl who is fit, you want a girl who is smart, you want a girl who is one of the guys, but still has time to make you dinner? I don't think it works like that.
-Why are males so loud when they get together? You don't need to scream.
-Chauvinism and misogyny. No, just no.
-Just because you have a penis does NOT mean you are more knowledgable about sports than I am. It also does not mean you can undermine my opinions and comments.
-Ignoring me won't make me go away. Perhaps I am the only one who experiences this, who knows. But it seems like there is a certain time limit when talking to males and after that they stop listening. That isn't cool. Please don't make me repeat myself 10 times, if I am saying something it is because I want to talk to you or you should be aware of it.
Let's start with same-sex pet hates:
-It really gets under my skin how much girls judge each other. None of us our innocent in this, we have all seen someone who isn't dressed to our tastes and thought "What the hell is she wearing?"
-It seems that females will go to great lengths to get attention from males. Changing their voices, changing their clothes, it just doesn't seem right, but again we've all done it.
-Petty bullying. Female bullying is in a whole league of its own, and it never seems to end.
-When women don't feel the need to stand up for their rights and for equality. Some of us work very hard to raise awareness about these issues and females who allow men to treat them like objects are not helping!
-You are not better than me because you have a boyfriend. Just like I am not better than you because I am single
Males:
-Some of the expectations seem very high. You want a girl who is fit, you want a girl who is smart, you want a girl who is one of the guys, but still has time to make you dinner? I don't think it works like that.
-Why are males so loud when they get together? You don't need to scream.
-Chauvinism and misogyny. No, just no.
-Just because you have a penis does NOT mean you are more knowledgable about sports than I am. It also does not mean you can undermine my opinions and comments.
-Ignoring me won't make me go away. Perhaps I am the only one who experiences this, who knows. But it seems like there is a certain time limit when talking to males and after that they stop listening. That isn't cool. Please don't make me repeat myself 10 times, if I am saying something it is because I want to talk to you or you should be aware of it.
26.9.12
Day two- I'll tell you what I want...
What I really really want....
What attracts me to a person?
I have no idea.
-I like kind hearts and trustworthy faces
-Easy going personalities and humor based conversations
-Athletes and artists, but more so athletes
-I like intelligent conversations but immature shenanigans
-It's a bonus if he/she loves his/her mother and Jesus
-Bonus bonus for british boys.
All in all I'm easy to please.
xx
-T
What attracts me to a person?
I have no idea.
-I like kind hearts and trustworthy faces
-Easy going personalities and humor based conversations
-Athletes and artists, but more so athletes
-I like intelligent conversations but immature shenanigans
-It's a bonus if he/she loves his/her mother and Jesus
-Bonus bonus for british boys.
All in all I'm easy to please.
xx
-T
19.9.12
Day One: A Lesson in Theodora
Sometimes I think I am a complex person, but then I remember that humans by nature are complicated and confusing, that usually snaps me out of my self analysis.
I am a sucker for a good quote, I keep them in a yellow leather book my mother brought me from Italy. I am more in love with Tennis than I have ever been in love with anything or any boy.
I make up words, and stories, and other lives I'd like to be living, but I very rarely lie.
I don't like staying in one place for very long.
I was a dancer for more of my life than not.
I collect suitcases, lunch boxes, old books, action figures, and secrets.
I'm a citizen of the United Kingdom, but a Canadian by birth.
I fit the Canadian stereotype in that I really do love hockey.
I knit, in a completely non ironic way. I just really like it.
I have 2 Jack Russell Terriers, Abby and Derby.
Those are the basics. Don't worry. You'll learn more.
xx
T.A.M
I make up words, and stories, and other lives I'd like to be living, but I very rarely lie.
I don't like staying in one place for very long.
I was a dancer for more of my life than not.
I collect suitcases, lunch boxes, old books, action figures, and secrets.
I'm a citizen of the United Kingdom, but a Canadian by birth.
I fit the Canadian stereotype in that I really do love hockey.
I knit, in a completely non ironic way. I just really like it.
I have 2 Jack Russell Terriers, Abby and Derby.
Those are the basics. Don't worry. You'll learn more.
xx
T.A.M
To Do List
- Write some basic things about myself.
- What kind of person attracts me?
- 5 things that irritate me about the opposite and same sex.
- Something I am currently worrying about.
- The best thing that has happened to me this week.
- 3 things I’m proud of about my personality.
- Things that make me scared.
- How I was raised.
- Something that never fails to make me feel better.
- Some things about me that some people don’t expect from me.
- Things I want to say to 5 different people.
- 10 ways to win my heart.
- My religious beliefs.
- My siblings.
- The month I was happiest this year and why.
- Some interesting facts about me.
- My zodiac sign and if it fits my personality.
- Somewhere I would love to move or visit.
- Something that I miss.
- My favorite comfort food and why.
- A moment I felt the most satisfied with my life.
- If you could have any job in the world what would it be.
- Put Ipod on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that pop up.
- Goals for the next year.
- My favorite quote.
- A letter to someone (dead or alive)
- My friends.
- Something I’ve learned in my life that has stuck with me.
- Something I am proud of.
- Who is my hero.
3.2.12
Midnight mind
A million things on my mind. These are a few...
- I can't wait to move home, I miss home.
- I have become so full of anger and hate living here with my roommates.
- Mark Wahlberg was in jail... mind blow!
- Sam Gagner got 8 points in the game tonight, gosh that's wonderful.
- My nose is sore from blowing it
- Living in rez means I'm always sick.
- I put my ring back on
- I should go to bed. I have class in the morning
- I hope I sleep tonight.
Goodnight Moon, Goodnight howling pack of dogs outside my window (actual wild dogs, not drunk students.)
xoxo
20.1.12
Semester two
I think the main point of having a blog is to, y'know, actually write? The only things I've been writing these days are notes and essays, with the ocasional tweet about how insanely boring it can all become. I have to admit I haven't even tried to work on the book I've been writing. I wrote a four page outline of it last weekend, but no actual writing. I haven't even submitted anything for the paper! I'm pretty sure I'd have more time if One Tree Hill and Misfits didn't exist. By the end of the day all I want to do is sit and allow my mind to be numbed by television.
Because I'm still working on that mind thing, allow me to create a list of all that has happened in the last few months!
Because I'm still working on that mind thing, allow me to create a list of all that has happened in the last few months!
12.9.11
Lemons
My life in university,
I could really use some real food. I'm talking a turkey dinner with the fixings. Cafeteria food is just... no. It's just not right. Last night the cafe closed before I could get there. I was not impressed, I believe there was some foul language flung and a door slammed, It looked like it would be another peanut butter and saltines night. But, the roomies, in all their intelligence suggested pizza. So we ordered pizza and sat in out newly decorated common room and watched Easy A. It was a pretty awesome family gathering.
I could really use some real food. I'm talking a turkey dinner with the fixings. Cafeteria food is just... no. It's just not right. Last night the cafe closed before I could get there. I was not impressed, I believe there was some foul language flung and a door slammed, It looked like it would be another peanut butter and saltines night. But, the roomies, in all their intelligence suggested pizza. So we ordered pizza and sat in out newly decorated common room and watched Easy A. It was a pretty awesome family gathering.
28.8.11
Apple shampoo
And she said, "It could never survive
With such differing lives
One home, one out on tour again
We may never come back
The strike of a match
The candle's burning at both ends."
Tonight, the 11 year old inside of me went wild. After 10 years of being a huge Blink- 182 fan (I started at the young age of 9, contrary to my parents' dismay) I finally saw them live. Mind you I was working the concert, but I still got to see them! Tom, Travis and my personal favorite Mark all stood less than a yard or so away from me. It was heavenly. Listening to the music again took me back to my junior high days of ripped up jeans and crazy hair.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)